As the Redskins enter the off-season uncertain if quarterback Kirk Cousins will return next season, one name is being floated to save the franchise: Uncle Rico.
The Washington Redskins closed out their 2017 season in New York against the Giants, with a 10-18 loss against a team that only managed three wins all season long.
And for the second straight year, the Redskins will miss the playoffs.
Quarterback Kirk Cousins’ future is up in the air right now. He’s reportedly looking for a deal that would mirror what Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford got: five years, $137,000,000.
If the Redskins decide to pull the trigger and make Cousins their franchise quarterback, it would have serious salary cap implications that would affect their ability to build a competitive team around him.
But, they could also pass on the young Michigan State alum, which would mean the search for a new quarterback would begin ASAP. No, Colt McCoy is not a long-term option.
If the Redskins go down this path, then they should look no further than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Sure, laugh all you want. But when you sit down and think about it, you’ll realize that I am absolutely right.
Here are 10 reasons that Napoleon Dynamite‘s uncle, Rico, would make a great Redskins quarterback.
Uncle Rico can throw a pigskin a quarter-mile.
Kirk Cousins had 58 20+ yard completions in this year going into the last game of the season. That was the third best in the entire league. He also had nine 40+ yard completions (tied for eighth place among all NFL quarterbacks), with the longest going for 74 yards. If the Redskins are going to compete without Cousins, they’re going to need a quarterback who can throw the long ball.
Uncle Rico can toss a pigskin a quarter mile. He’s got an absolute cannon for an arm.
Uncle Rico can also thread the needle.
Going into the final game of the season, Kirk Cousins had the sixth-best completion percentage (65 percent) of NFL quarterbacks who attempted at least 500 passes. Those are pretty big shoes to fill. If the Redskins are going to look around for a new quarterback, they need someone with pinpoint accuracy.
That’s Uncle Rico. He can thread the needle and put the football right where he wants it, every single time. Just watch how Rico is able to sling the ball right into Napoleon’s face while he’s riding down the road on his bike.
Uncle Rico has the most unique throwing motion ever seen.
Much has been said about Kirk Cousins’ fundamentals. But, as you can see from the GIF above, Uncle Rico has perfect form and employs the submarine method of delivery. While others might have problems controlling the ball, Rico can drop the ball right into the basket with just a flick of the wrist. It’s almost like he is slapping the ball to his destination and, of course, perfect spiral.
He isn’t afraid to shoot for the moon.
The Washington Redskins need a dreamer — someone who is going to be able to rally the troops to victory. As good as Kirk Cousins’ 2017 campaign was, the Redskins are still a .500 team, and half of their victories came by just one score. They were a few bad breaks away from competing with the Giants for last place in the division. Uncle Rico believes in himself more than is probably healthy and is the kind of leader the ‘Skins need to get back to the playoffs.
Uncle Rico has a high pain tolerance.
Cousins has taken an absolute beating behind an injury-plagued offensive line this season. It’s not really his fault, but he has always been one missed block away from a season-ending injury. One of the best parts of Uncle Rico’s game is that he knows how to play through the pain.
Rico is already a pro at creating and watching film.
The best quarterbacks of all time also happened to be the best at watching film in preparation for the next week’s game. Not only is Uncle Rico an expert at watching film, but he also isn’t afraid to watch footage of himself.
He’s got lightning footwork.
Through 15 games, Kirk Cousins was sacked 38 times, which is the sixth-worst rate in the entire league. As we said, a lot of that falls on the offensive line, but there were more than a few sacks that Cousins could have escaped if he were a little more nimble in the pocket. Uncle Rico? Doesn’t have that problem. His footwork is pure perfection. Let the GIF speak for itself …
Uncle Rico is photogenic as hell.
Sure, Kirk Cousins might take a good picture, but none can compare to Uncle Rico’s ability to work the camera. Football broadcasts would become 100x better if Uncle Rico’s headshot — star backdrop and all — were used during player introductions.
Rico’s high-pitched scream will cut through crowd volume.
The Redskins have the 10th-loudest stadium in the NFL (when the games sell out). With all that noise, it can be difficult to lead an offense — and even worse on the road. The quarterback is responsible for taking charge of the team on the field. Uncle Rico’s figured out the workaround, though. While other QBs work their manliest speaking voice at the line, Rico incorporates the “scream like a little girl” method, cutting through crowd noise and perfectly communicating with his teammates.
Rico knows how to give the people what they want.
Face it, D.C. sports fans just want a championship. The last time a Washington, D.C., team won a championship was 1992, when the Redskins beat the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl. In the almost 28 years since, no D.C. professional sports team has been able to bring home a championship trophy. All Redskins fans want is a championship. Whether we’re talking sweet football skills, tupperware bowls, or finely crafted models of wooden ships, Uncle Rico knows exactly how to give the people what they want.
Tell us: If the Redskins can’t land Uncle Rico, who do you think they should sign? Kirk Cousins or another QB? Let us know in the comment section below!